Monday, July 16, 2012

"Your Hands"

(by JJ Heller) Your Hands - Painted Red



Once again, I find myself posting from the Medical Center. As you may already know, scans are today. As I mentioned on Saturday, I feel like I've handled them better this time around. I had a little bit of a meltdown one day last week. We still hadn't heard anything regarding pre-authorization, and it was maybe Wednesday. I had pretty much decided that they weren't going to happen, so that could be part of the reason why I wasn't dealing with as much scanxiety as usual. But that day, I was upset for some silly reason & realized that maybe I was overreacting due to the upcoming scans. So I pulled out my phone for a little encouragement from my YouVersion app...but the verse of the day was Matthew 5:4. Really?! I don't think of myself as superstitious, but things like that can mess with your head. Just sayin'.

If I can be completely honest with y'all again, I still struggle with this journey. And I'm not sure that I'll ever be absolutely OK with it. It's not one bit fun to face the reality that my husband will never be cancer-free. And it certainly isn't enjoyable to always have the thought of cancer in the back of my mind (if not the forefront). Every waiting room I sit in is a reminder that we face this dragon, this beast called cancer. And I can't help but remember that there's a 50/50 chance that today will be the day that we discover mets.

But I have found joy in the midst of it all. I am learning to fear the unknown a little less & enjoy each day for what it is. It may not always be simple & free, but I have come to know such beautiful truths that I honestly wouldn't trade for anything. So I live with this dichotomy of sorts within me, but hope is winning. Just thought I'd let y'all know.

Something pretty exciting happened in the Ocular Melanoma world last week! There was an article about it  on the front page of the New York Times! That's HUGE, people. For such a rare cancer to receive this type of recognition is a big deal.

In other OM news...an OM survivor is carrying the Olympic torch today!! Steve Brooks is a funny librarian from England. He was kind enough to post a link to live coverage of the relay on one of our groups on facebook. We are quite proud to have him represent. {& if you watch the coverage and see him wave, just know that's for me...or maybe all of the members of the page...either way, I'm included in that!} And am I crazy that I love the fact that the official mascots for the 2012 Summer Olympics are one-eyed?! I think Christopher is quite jealous that their eyes are made out of a camera lens. If he were to ever have his eye removed, he'd totally love to put a camera in its place!

I know that this post is a little disjointed, but I have one last thing...I have loved today's song since I first heard it, but somehow I've never posted it before. It speaks so well to what I feel. I certainly have trouble that I wish wasn't there, but one day God will set all things right. He is faithful and caring, and I have never left His hands. He comforts like no human being can. He loves more deeply than I can comprehend, and He allows me to feel His love more than I've ever felt in my life. And He weaves peace and joy into the pain and heartache in a way that is unexplainable. I pray that you know this love. If not, there's a button under the header where you can email me. I'd love to have the opportunity to share the hope that I have found with you!



Amy

2 comments:

Brooke said...

{{{{hugs}}}}

sounds like God wanted *this* day to be your scan day. to give you hope through the torch runner? to get it (and your scanxiety) over with? I pray you take comfort in Him today.

Messy Mom said...

I was just talking the other day (okay, okay, I was talking and crying) about how I don't understand God's ways, but that I can see how all of our hardships and testimonies uplift one another. I think of you and pray for you often.