Wednesday, April 29, 2009

"My Glorious"

(by Delirious?)

"The world's shaking with the love of God
Great and glorious, let the whole Earth sing
And all You ever do is change the old for new
People, we believe that

Chorus:
God is bigger than the air I breathe
The world we'll leave
God will save the day, and all will say
My Glorious

Clouds are breaking, heaven's come to earth
Hearts awakening, let the church bells ring
And all You ever do is change the old for new
People, we believe that...

Chorus

My Glorious...

Glory, glory
Send Your glory..."

The whole Swine Flu epidemic/possible pandemic situation reminds me of the days following 9/11 with the whole anthrax scare. Drue Mitchell a DJ for 89.7 Power FM {who wholeheartedly supported Modern Day John & Letters of Warning} emphasized the lyrics to this song.

"God is bigger than the air I breathe..."

I'd have to say the words apply now, too. It's hard to know whether it's a genuine health concern or not, because we've seen the media hype regarding so many non-events in the past. (Can anyone say Y2K?) Please don't get me wrong~I'm not trying to make light of those affected by this illness. I'm just saying that I don't put much stock in media hype. As usual, I will wash my hands, sneeze into my armpit, & avoid close contact with sick people. And I expect everyone else to do the same!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

"March On"

(by Good Charlotte)



I'm not necessarily a Good Charlotte fan, but I really like this song. I like the harmony near the end, and I just think it's sweet. Some people say it makes them sad. While it does sorta have that feel to it, it doesn't make me sad. It makes me want to be the kind of person that encourages my friends to march on, like my friends have done for me. :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

"Freedom"

(by Run Kid Run) Run Kid Run - Love at the Core - Freedom

Freedom by Run Kid Run on Grooveshark

“All my chains
I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings Your praise
The other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for change, change, change, change

Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound, but here I stay
I scream Father, please
I need rescuing
I need You and You alone

And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for, I'm ready for...

Still You patiently await, yet I won't just let go
I see You and You alone, saying
"Come follow me
Despair has come so you can see
Release"

So I'm singing for freedom
So I'm singing for freedom

The time has come
Separation lost the war to Love
Take My hand
Grace has found you where you once began
You're alive, you're alive
In the waking of new life
Take My hand
In the end there's only Love
There's only Love

There's only singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for, I'm ready for

Father, please, I need rescuing
I need You and You alone... ”

[...conclusion of the past two days' posts]
My road to freedom hasn't been a quick one. Initially, I quit making the unhealthy choices, but I still had an unhealthy mindset. Over the last five or six years, God has done so much inside of me as I’ve allowed Him to peel back the layers and really set me free from all the stuff I tried to ignore for so long. I thought if I pretended it wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have to experience the pain it took to face it all and put it behind me. My journey has been a life-long process of giving over control of each part of my life to God, the One source of stability in my life, and the only One who truly can have control over everything. During my journey to forgive, and in times of stress or pain, I have been tempted to deal with things the way that I used to. God’s grace has prevented me from acting on those urges since 1994.

It has taken me awhile to actually FEEL free. In the Summer of 2003, I realized that I was still holding onto a lot of the bitterness and negative thought patterns from the past. I spent a week sitting in the rocking chair with my Bible, begging God to heal my heart and set me free! I discovered that there were many steps in the healing process, and it was painful to evaluate the past and discover why I felt the way that I did. I had a couple of friends and mentors who prayed with me, counseled and encouraged me. I began to feel a joy and freedom I had never known before.

For the past few years, I have wanted a tattoo to symbolize my freedom. I felt that my wrist was the perfect place to remind me that I am no longer a slave to the sin that had me bound. Since Jesus set me free, the eating disorder doesn't hold me captive anymore. My chains are gone, and I am FREE!


If you struggle with similar issues or addictions, please don’t continue on that devastating path. I encourage you to find a good counselor, pastor or friend and share your struggle with them. With God’s help and the help of others who care about you, you too can have the freedom that Jesus longs for you to have.

"He gave His life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us His very own people, totally committed to doing what is right." (Titus 2:14)

{If you're of the mindset that it's wrong for Christians to get a tattoo (based on a certain scripture in Leviticus), please check out this article. It's pretty long, but I feel that it has a very good Biblical perspective!}

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

"Courage"

(by Superchick) Superchick - Beauty from Pain 1.1 - Courage



“I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"

Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry

Chorus:
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better

There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

Chorus

You should know
You're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
Together we'll make it through somehow

Chorus”

[...continued from yesterday]
Towards the end of high school, this could have been my theme song. I felt out of control due to abandonment issues, financial instability at home, body image issues, and other normal teenage feelings. I took the one thing I thought I could control and ended up abusing it in the form of an eating disorder. I felt that if my own mother and father could reject me, then there must be something wrong with me. I felt I wasn't as good as my brother, didn't have enough money, and wasn't pretty or thin enough. I tried to be on my best behavior, got a job as soon as I was old enough, worked at trying to look pretty, and I did what I could to be thinner. By the time I went to college, I weighed what I had in middle school. I gained the typical “Freshman Fifteen” after arriving at college, and got my weight got back up to where it should have been. I considered the weight thing a “little problem” in my past, and tried to go about life as usual.

One weekend, in the Fall of 1994, my life changed forever. I had a friend who was bold enough to confront me about my eating disorder. Jason saw right through the lies I was telling him and myself. He made me realize that my “little problem” in the past wasn’t little and it wasn’t in the past, and it was sin. I knew that I had to take steps to get past it. What I didn’t know at that point was that within 24 hours, I would not only find out the real reason for my parents divorce, but I would also stupidly step on the scale alongside my brother and discover that the “Freshman Fifteen” had become twenty, and I was eight pounds heavier than Kerry. I know that finding out that my mom had been involved in a long and drawn out affair with our former next-door neighbor should seem worse than the fact that I had gained a few pounds; but at the time, both of those things were equally devastating. I was an emotional wreck and I wanted to go back to starving myself to deal with the pain; but I knew I couldn’t resort to that old tactic. I went to see a counselor on campus, and over the past 14 ½ years have made many steps towards being set free.

[to be continued...]

Monday, April 20, 2009

"Naked Heart"

(by Julie Miller) Julie Miller - He Walks Through Walls - Naked Heart



"Don't want you to see me like this
Don't want you to know how it really is
I put on this smile til you go away
And hope that my eyes don't give me away

And I can pretend that everything's all right
I've gotten really good I've done it all my life
I keep you at a distance so that you can't tell
I'm not doing very well

Chorus:
If you find out who I really am
If I show you what I keep in the dark
Stripped of my defenses can
Your love really clothe my naked heart?

I've gotten so used to having this pain
Can't imagine it could ever change
If I should look at the truth inside
I feel like I might not survive

So I wrap up this part that doesn't look good
And make it look lovely like I think it should
And if you only know who I pretend to be
How will I know you could really love me?

Chorus”

A couple of months ago, I got the tattoo that I've been wanting for quite awhile! I finally took a good picture of it; but before I post it, I thought I'd give a little background as to why it is so meaningful to me. First, let me say that the story I'm about to tell is in no way intended to place blame on anyone for my choices. We all have the power to choose how we respond to our circumstances, and we don't always choose the best way. While these events shaped me into the person I am, many of them caused me to feel certain ways that led me to make unhealthy choices. As usual, I will try to briefly summarize things; but, anyone who knows me understands how hard that is! So, I'll spread my story out over several posts. OK, here goes...

As far back as I can remember, I had a very poor body and self-image. It all began when I realized that I was bigger than my older brother, Kerry. I was born fifteen months after him, caught up to him in size by the time I was two and surpassed him by age four. One of my earliest memories is accidentally wearing my brother’s pants to daycare. They were so tight that I got sick to my stomach and threw up! We both wore size 4 “Toughskins,” but his were slim, and mine were regular. What I didn't realize back then is the fact that my brother is small for a guy. I have always looked up to Kerry and wanted to be like him. He is very good; and while I wasn’t bad, it always seemed that he was better than me. I was compared to him quite a bit; and in turn, I have compared myself to him for a good portion of my life

My parents were both Christians, so I was brought up in church and had a strong faith in God as a young child. Unfortunately, going to church and being a Christian doesn't mean you always make the best choices. My mother made some choices that greatly affected my parents' marriage. She also moved out numerous times, leaving my dad to care for Kerry & me while he worked two jobs. Despite trying to work things out, they ultimately divorced when I was nine. My brother went to live with my dad, and I stayed with Mom. About 10 years passed before I found out that Dad wanted me, too. Naturally, I felt rejected by him & started building up a wall between us. To make matters worse, a poor relationship with my new step-mom caused me to build the wall even higher. She had insecurity issues of her own; and rather than taking two broken and rejected children and pouring a mother's love on us, she rejected us, too.

My mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was seven and had to quit working when I was in middle school. We were pretty poor and moved from apartment to apartment as rent went up. Just before my Freshman year in high school, we had to move in with my mom’s brother in Weimar, TX. It was about 2 hours away from my dad; so throughout high school, I only saw him every other month or so (my choice, but I didn’t see it that way at the time). At that time, not a lot was known about MS, and it was very hard to get disability benefits. Mom tried to work different jobs, but it was hard for her to do even the simplest of tasks. She did her best to provide for me, but we barely had enough money for our basic necessities. It was embarrassing to go to the grocery store (where one of my classmates worked) and pay with food stamps. I tried to act like things were normal, but I was afraid that other people at school would find out we were living on food stamps.

Throughout high school, God provided wonderful, godly role models in the form of intact families for me to spend time with. I spent most of my free time with my friends, and this allowed me to avoid facing the realities of my home. I had a wonderful church family that took care of me during this time, and I was very involved in the Youth Group there. Despite being in a dysfunctional home, going to church afforded me a strong foundation of Biblical Truth; and I held tightly to the relationship that I began with Jesus when I was a small child. I loved God and had a desire to please Him. I was a bit legalistic in those days, but it kept me from drinking, drugs and sex; so hopefully I was at least an example of a Christian who could survive high school without doing all that stuff. I pretended things were great, because I thought that Christians were supposed to be happy all the time. I hid my feelings, afraid to let anyone know that I was struggling. I didn't know who I was in Christ; and I didn't love myself, so I didn't show the love of Christ to those around me. I didn't understand even a fraction of the depth of God's love for me.

[to be continued...]

Saturday, April 18, 2009

"Up Up Up"

(by Rose Falcon)



This is just a fun song that Elly & I love to dance around to! She chooses it on my iPod a lot, which is one of the reasons why it ranks high on my playlist. But, I like the "bounciness" of it, too! We heard it years ago at the end of one of the "Inspector Gadget" movies & loved it immediately. When the kids watch it, we always listen to the song several times! I hope you enjoy it, too!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

"Livin' On A Prayer"

(by Bon Jovi)

"Once upon a time
Not so long ago

Tommy used to work on the docks
Union's been on strike
He's down on his luck, its tough
So tough

Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man
She brings home her pay for love
For love

She says, "We've got to hold on to what we've got
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not
We've got each other, and that's a lot for love
We'll give it a shot"

Chorus:
Whoa, we're half way there
Whoa, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear
Whoa, livin' on a prayer

Tommy's got his six string in hock
Now he's holding in
What he used to make it talk, so tough
It's tough

Gina dreams of running away
When she cries in the night
Tommy whispers, "Baby it's okay
Someday"

We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not
We've got each other, and that's a lot for love
We'll give it a shot

Chorus

We got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when that's all that you've got

Chorus..."

Well, it's TAX DAY, and this song seemed appropriate. Chris & I said this may be our theme song for the year... I must say I am more optimistic now than I was this morning. Another CPA is looking at things, & he has already saved us quite a bit! I hope you have all fared better than we have! Tea party, anyone?

As for the latest on Mr Christopher, the results from the thorosentesis came back fine! The radiologist would still like for him to have a PET scan, but who knows whether insurance would approve it now, after denying it twice already?! For now, we are happy that nothing looks suspicious.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

"Take Me As I Am"

(by FM Static) FM Static - Dear Diary - Take Me As I Am





What a week this has been. I normally don't say this, but I'm so glad this week is almost over. At the risk of sounding gloomy again, I'll try to summarize it briefly:

My Uncle Ronnie passed away on Monday morning. He had been sick, but I hadn't realized just how bad things were. I wish I had seen him at Christmas. And I wish that all of us cousins could have gotten together before he passed away. We have never all been together at one time. I hope we can make that happen during my grandmother's lifetime...

At the nursing home craft day on Tuesday morning, I found out that my favorite resident passed away. Mr. Rhoney was the reason I went to craft day, and I think I have decided that I'm not going back. When I got to the chiropractor that afternoon, he asked what's been going on. I sighed and said, "It's been a rough week!" He looked at me a little oddly & replied, "It's only Tuesday."

Wednesday, I made a 14-hour trip to Keller & back for my uncle's funeral. I must say it was one of the best funerals that I have ever attended. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. There was so much talk of hope and restoration. I know Uncle Ronnie is drinking coffee in heaven & smiling at God's message of love that was shared that day.

Thursday, Chris & I ended up at the Medical Center ALL day! He had an 8:00 appointment, and we went to get the results at 11:15. {Yet, I had to ask Cara to pick the kids up from school ~ craziness!} Christopher's liver is fine, but there was some fluid on his lung (most likely just viral) that he had to get extracted & analyzed. We learned a new word: thorosentesis. I've learned so many new words on this cancer journey! Dr. Lehane made it sound like we had nothing to worry about, but then he apologized for us having wait through the long weekend to get the results. Then, his nurse said to try to have a good holiday weekend, despite everything. So, I'm not real sure how to feel, but I'm choosing not to worry about it.

Fortunately, Friday was very uneventful, and I got some much needed rest...

So much for being brief about my week! As for my song post today, *surprise surprise* it's off the new FM Static album ~> since I listened to it 11 times on my Wednesday trip! This one is my favorite!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

"Definitely Maybe"

(by FM Static)



OK, so this isn't technically the theme song for the day ~ but FM Static's new album came out today, and I'm STOKED! None of the new songs are available on Project Playlist yet, so I decided to post this video instead. I didn't feel the need to post lyrics, since this doesn't really relate to my day except for the fact that it's by FM Static. I absolutely LOVE them & foresee some songs from the new album as future posts...Stay tuned!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

"You Owe Me an IOU"

(by Hot Hot Heat) You Owe Me an IOU - Elevator





I promise this post isn't a message to anyone. Nobody owes me anything {unless you think you do ~ and then you can by me a mocha, & we'll call it even!} ;) I just like the song & the band, so you may see more of their songs in future Scrobbled Saturday posts. I love how they phrase things & work words into songs that I never would have thought to put in there. Like, "Overtly individual - covertly traditional. She couldn't seem to make up her mind." I think that describes me...or maybe I'm the other way around? Overtly traditional - covertly individual? idk...I can't seem to make up my mind!

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

"Colors"

(by Kira Willey)

"I am green today
I chirp with joy like a cricket song
I am gray today
Gloomy and down like a morning fog
I am orange today
Loud and messy like finger paint on the wall

I am red today
Hopping mad like a playground ball
I am black today
Strong and tall a great big bear
I am purple today
Bright and happy like a butterfly in the air

Chorus:
I'm a rainbow today
All the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today
All the colors of the world
I'm a rainbow today
All the colors of the world are in me

I am yellow today
I shine my light out like the sun
I am white today
Soft and quiet like new snow
I am blue today
Calm as glass and cool like the sea

Chorus..."

Does anybody else ever feel this way? I am honestly full of joy, because I am deeply loved by a God who knows me & loves me anyway. I'm gloomy, because it's raining buckets outside, & I'm filled with "scanxiety" on the inside. I feel like I'm a mess: disorganized in my house & my mind! At times I'm just plain "hopping mad" that my husband has cancer & we have to deal with doctors & insurance companies that deny scans that are vital to my husband's future. My definition of black would be different than "a great big bear"; so I'll just skip that one, 'cuz I don't feel strong at all. I'm happy today, because I have many super great friends ~ one of which I get to have lunch with today, & I haven't really seen her in awhile :)

I try to "shine my Light" to those around me, & I pray that my life brings glory to God. I'm not so sure that I'm soft or quiet, so maybe I'm not white today. But blue~> somehow in the midst of the craziness that is my life at times, I am still calm. I thank God for that, & for answering the prayers of those who love me & have lifted me up during the past 7 months. I don't say this enough, but THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

[Not really an update on Christopher, but I should have one by next Thursday. I had hoped to report something sooner, but the scans we thought he was going to have 2 ½ weeks ago didn't happen. Even though it was previously discussed that there would be scans every 6 months, the oncologist was only going to do some blood work this time & the scans in another 6 months. We didn't feel like that was good enough, & neither did anyone else in the OM community that I have gotten to know. The scans are to check for lesions in the liver &/or lungs; because if the cancer was to spread, it would show there first. The problem with only doing the blood work, is that by the time an abnormality would show, the cancer would be too far advanced in the liver for him to enter a clinical trial or other form of treatment. So, after some back & forth with the doctor & a couple of denials from the insurance company, he has finally been approved for the CT scan that has been scheduled for next Thursday.]