"Inside of Me"

(by Jason Morant)

Inside Of Me by Jason Morant on Grooveshark

Oh, sweet RR Mama, how I wish I was remaining as positive as you think! In all honesty though, I was pretty frustrated yesterday afternoon...In case y'all are unaware, Christopher's scans have been rescheduled for the 16th. For the record, there has only been one follow-up scan that has happened on the day it was originally supposed to happen, & that was when the wrong scans were ordered. I should just accept this as a part of life, but each time I hope things will be different than they have been in the past! {I guess I should state that it's technically my fault that scans were rescheduled this time, but I'll get to that in a minute!} Ya, I know, drama drama drama. I'm really not one of those people who always has some type of drama in their life. But the more I think about it, the more I'm afraid I have become one of those people...

Anyways, I really was handling these scans a little better than in the past. I've been eating fine, and there were only a couple of times when I sorta had that panicky feeling. At about 1:45 yesterday afternoon I thought, "OK, I've made it this far. If I can just make it through the next 24 hours..." Even if we received bad news, at least we'd know. That part of it would be over with, and God would help us get through whatever was next. It's the waiting that is so nerve wracking. Have I mentioned that I'm not good at waiting?

On a positive note, he'll be having his lungs scanned this time. Due to the miscode last time, Dr L didn't get a look at his lungs. And we found out last week that he hadn't been planning on looking at them this time, either. He was only going to do an MRI that would examine Christopher's liver. A liver MRI is super {in fact, a lot of people in the OM community prefer MRI over CT because of the radiation exposure} But it's just not enough. {This is where the "my fault" part comes in, though maybe it's not really my fault since the doctor should be taking a look at Christopher's lungs therefore should've scheduled an x-ray at the very least??} I questioned why Dr L wasn't going to examine his lungs, so Chris spent a week going back & forth with Dr L's nurse & is now scheduled for a CT of his chest, abdomen, & pelvis (which is what he normally had up until last summer). I think I'm OK with that.


So there you have it...now we play the Pre-Authorization Game (that I've mentioned before). Ironically, the MRI was approved the first time it was requested, so we would've actually been able to have it today. Go figure!

Anyways, I was upset about it yesterday, but I'm OK today. Just thought I'd let you know. God is Sovereign, and He knew that it wouldn't happen today. He loves me enough to help me get through my impatience. He knows what the future holds, and He is in control. And if I'd quit griping (& resisting things beyond my control), maybe He could do some more work inside of me to make me into someone He can use! I'll close with a couple of lines from today's song:
Now I walk along side my Father
Without fear of what may come tomorrow



Brooke said…
said a special prayer for you today. it was in the middle of the food tantrum in my head (i'm like a child - i want what i want, when i want it) and then i remembered you. {{{{hugs}}}} suddenly my lack of nachos bell grande seemed as pathetic as it was.
Becky Crenshaw said…
Oh Amy. Rollercoaster. Girl girl. I will be praying. You are my hero.
Anonymous said…
I need to be reminded of everything you wrote in your last paragraph. I love you friend and miss you! You...me...coffee...soon!

Anonymous said…
goodness, what a test of patience! i'll be praying as you WAIT. :)and i don't think i caught it before... is the scanning of the lungs, liver, etc. just prodecure?
Anonymous said…
i meant proCeDure :P
{amy} said…
Yes, the scans are just procedure, in case of any micrometastasis prior to radiation. It spreads to the liver &/or lungs in around 50% of patients with OM.

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