Thursday, June 30, 2011

"Strong Enough"

(by Matthew West)



"You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

Chorus:
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't You cover me
Lord, right now I'm asking You to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

Chorus

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
And You are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough..."

First, I'd like to thank you for your prayers. I could feel them, and I love and appreciate y'all so much for your prayers, your support & your kind words. I'd also like to go ahead and state that I am not trying to say that my circumstances even begin to compare to the devastation of the people in today's video. This song has been very encouraging to me lately, and this video is the only official version of the song that I can find.

Okey doke...y'all were forewarned, so here goes...I decided to go ahead & tell you about my emotional meltdowns ~ not so you'll feel sorry for me, but so you can see the other side...To make a long story short, there's a little situation regarding a check we received from the hospital where Christopher gets his scans. For whatever reason it was returned (three months after we deposited it), and I've had to make a bunch of phone calls (to both the hospital & the bank ~ both of whom indicate that the other party is at fault) to try to get it resolved. It still isn't resolved, but I'm hopeful that it will be one day. Anyways, during phone call #7 (out of 10 so far), I was placed on hold...

...and that's when the meltdown began. Yes, I had a little meltdown while I was on hold for the umpteenth time. They were playing pity party music, so I gave in & had one. I was overwhelmed & frustrated, and I was mad that I was even in the situation to begin with. Because if it wasn't for stupid cancer, then I wouldn't have to go through any of it. After I got off that phone call (I had composed myself by the time the person got back on the line, in case you wondered), I spent some time venting all of my frustrations to God & explaining to Him that I just wasn't strong enough to deal with this. {I know I was a whiny little baby, but I think He understood} I sat on the floor in my closet & told Him how much it sucked that I have to deal with all of it ~ and how I'm not strong enough to handle cancer, much less all of the other stuff. And if He thought I was strong enough to handle it, then He must have me mistaken for someone else. {Yes, I told Him that. See? I told you I was a whiny baby. Don't worry, I don't believe it. I know that He knows who I am! I was just frustrated!}

I'd like to say that I arrived at a better place that day, but I prefer to keep things honest with y'all. It didn't get better that day. It actually got worse, because I decided I needed time in the Word. And usually that's a great thing to do, but it didn't work out too well for me at that point. The scripture in my Bible reading plan that day began with Ecclesiastes 7, and verses 1-4 & 13-15 weren't very encouraging for me at the time (nor are they now). I don't understand what that was all about, but I know that at the time I only became more discouraged. {Not the hoped-for result of seeking God in His Word!} Again, I'm just being honest with y'all, & that's how it went down...

Then there's other stuff besides the bank/hospital fiasco...Every six months we get to play the Pre-Authorization Game. You know the one I'm talking about...the one where the doctor asks for insurance to authorize his scans, insurance denies them, and then we get to make even more phone calls. For the record, it's not a fun game to play. We're usually losing for most of it. In the end, we win. But the prize isn't exciting: just a CT scan & sometimes an MRI. And we never win the PET scan, no matter how hard we try. Well, it was in the middle of the Pre-Authorization Game that I had a meltdown when I dropped something by the church after checking my mail & getting the denial letter. Ya, fun stuff...

Anyways, that's my attempt at trying to briefly tell y'all the circumstances leading up to my meltdowns. Now for the good stuff...remember the little venting spell in my closet? Remember how I told God I wasn't strong enough? Ya. I sorta think He was waiting for me to admit that. Any of you who have known Jesus & His Word for any amount of time know 2 Cor. 12:9a, "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'"

Sigh.

As usual, I had been trying to do it on my own. And that is so not a good idea. I totally know that. I've known it forever. But that doesn't mean I'm good at admitting weakness & allowing Him to be strong. And because I can be a stubborn little girl, it took me about a week to really let Him be strong for me. In my own strength, I can't handle cancer. Or frustrating phone calls. Or stupid denial letters. But God is totally strong enough to handle all of that and more! I can't honestly say that I'm at the point where Paul was in 2 Cor 12:10 ~ that I'm taking pleasure in my difficulties right now. But I feel stronger. Not because I am strong, but because He is.

Amy

5 comments:

Jennifer @ Studio JRU said...

Oh how I wish I could just give you a big ol' hug! ♥ I feel for you, I really do. Though cancer isn't the cause of our medical problems, stresses, worries... I know exactly how you feel. Isn't it amazing that HE is the one that can help us through all of it!?! We really learned that during the beginning of our situation. And I know I have needed that reminder every now and then too. Thank you for sharing... so much! It is nice to know I am not alone with these struggles. love and hugs...

Laura said...

Thanks so much for being real and sharing your struggles and their resolution! I came across this quote in my reading the other night, and it reminded me of you:
"Walking by faith means believing God is good to me right now regardless of my circumstances or how I am feeling." -Carolyn Custis James, When Life and Beliefs Collide.

lewiston said...

wow, that's THE truth i think we realize over and over again as Christians - thank you SO much for your honesty! it really is encouraging to hear. :) i love you and i'm praying for you... :)

Messy Mom said...

That song does say it all so perfectly. I am so frustrated at the insurance companies. It makes me so mad that good people who work hard don't get what they need and so often dishonest people who don't work get everything covered because of the way the system is. Of course I guess that is what Ecclesiastes 7:15 is talking about which all brings us back to the whole point of your post. God is in control, we can't try and make sense of it or handle it on our own. What a great message. Thank you for sharing.

Brooke said...

makes my "i'm fat and have nothing to wear" meltdown seem a bit petty huh?

my prayers that God continually strenthens you in your weakness