Friday, September 3, 2010

"Closer to Love"

(by Mat Kearney) Closer

Closer To Love by Matt Kearney on Grooveshark

Two years ago today, I got the phone call that this song talks about.

The one that took my breath away.

The one that brought me to my knees.

OK, so it wasn't actually a phone call. {Thank you, Erick, for telling my mister that YES, indeed, he should go home & tell me he had cancer ~ not just call me!} But it was news nonetheless that nobody ever wants to hear. Before that day (& for awhile afterward), I didn't believe it could happen to me.

But it did.

And it was life-changing.

Faith-shaking, even.

I would be lying if I said I'm OK with it all & trust God implicitly with it. I have accepted it now, and I trust God to take care of me. But if I can be completely honest here, I have times when I doubt that He has my best intentions in mind. That may sound horrible, but it's true. I know that He loves me, but I still have times when I feel forgotten. Or maybe not forgotten, but just sorta set to the side. A little out of sight or something.

Please don't read my words and think I've lost my faith or anything! Like I said last year, I don't know how people can get through a situation like this without God. He has been my refuge throughout this process. He has been my strength, my peace, my joy, my song.

I just have this battle going on inside of me. I know that his cancer hasn't metastasized at this point, and I should focus on the positive. But it's so hard, because he will never be declared "cancer free", & the threat of metastasis is always there in the back of my mind. I mean, to me, 50% chance is huge. I'm generally a "glass half full" type of person, but not when it comes to the chance that my husband's cancer will spread and he would die. I wish that I were more positive about it; but I'm afraid to expect the best, in case the worst happens.

And sometimes I have a hard time praying & believing for my husband's healing. I don't blame God for this, but I know that He allowed it. And sometimes I get a little mad about that. And that causes me to distance myself from Him at times. But as the song says, "He pulls me out of the dark." Sometimes I allow myself to go back there, though. I have definitely been/sometimes still am that girl crying in my room, praying "Lord, come through." I don't know how long it will take me to simply trust. But I'm going to get there soon.

Because He pulls me out of the dark and closer to Love. Closer to Him.

Amy

4 comments:

Brooke said...

*hugs*

i think we forget that life isn't about us. its about glorifying him. if it something as minor as my anemia to bring my focus back on him...or something major like an incredible wife/mother handling her husbands cancer with strength and dignity. God is glorified in it all.

Messy Mom said...

I was reading about how Chris was the one that got you started on blogging and 2 weeks later he was diagnosed. I don't think that this was a coincidence, it was probably something that the Lord knew ahead of time that you needed. Dan showed this video on Wednesday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NXWE6AC8ao

You may have seen it, but I think it goes a long with what you are saying.

lewiston said...

wow, amy, thanks so much for sharing your heart. i know how you're feeling (and i hope that's not discouraging to you at all!). resting in God's sovereign will and knowing that everything is filtered through His loving hands isn't the easy way out! surrendering and trusting takes all of our heart and a mighty faith. :)sometimes i feel like He hasn't had my best interest in mind either, then i cry, pour out my heart to Him, and cast my burdens and emotions onto Him once AGAIN. i'll be praying for you, sweet friend. :)

Amanda said...

Amy,

I love you and Butch very much. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you. Know that you are loved dearly and that we are praying for y'all.

God is the God of the "impossible".

xoxoxoxo