Friday, April 8, 2011

"Precious to God"

(by Julie Miller)



"She puts on her smile just like the lipstick that she wears
She gives herself amnesia to anaesthetise the shame
She knows it isn't real, but she can't afford to feel
But there's something her soul can't forget

Chorus:
She can use her smile just like a barrier
She can count the pieces of her heart
She can say her prayers and she knows all the right words
But she doesn't know how to feel precious to God

She knows it doesn't help to pretend to be asleep
She knows there are secrets daddies have that little girls must keep
But she doesn't know where children go when home is where the hurt is

She can use her smile just like a barrier
She can count the pieces of her heart
She'll be anybody that you want her to be
But she doesn't know how to feel precious to God

Chorus"

Once again, I'm headed out to MOPS & thought I'd share my Mentor Moment with y'all. I've adapted it for you, my dear bloggy friends, because y'all have read my story once or twice already. I also added the bits about the song, because that's what I do on this here blog. In case y'all imagine that I talk in song lingo 24/7 in real life, I really don't! {OK, well I do sometimes, but I don't go around telling my IRL friends how a song relates to my day or anything!} Anyways, this is essentially what I'm talking to my lovely MOPS moms about today:

I recently heard that the two biggest issues for women are their self-image/weight and the desire to be accepted. If you are like most women, you have struggled (or are struggling) with some type of insecurity. I, too, have my moments, though I am in a much healthier place now than I have ever been. As y'all know, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I was that girl who "puts on her smile just like the lipstick that she wears". Beginning as a child (and well into adulthood), I blocked out some hurtful things because I didn't want to feel the pain associated with them. But as this song mentions, my soul couldn't forget them. Fortunately, my story isn't quite as heartbreaking as the little girl's in this song. But I know what it's like to come from a broken home, and I know how it feels to be rejected by someone who is supposed to love you more than life itself. Unless you've been under a rock or have never read my blog before, you know the end result of the pain from my childhood. You also know of my journey to freedom and the fact that it has been a process.

In my current Bible study, we are evaluating the labels we have put on ourselves. The main ones I used for most of my life were "rejected" and "unlovable". I know I've said this before, but I felt that if my own parents could reject me, then there must be something wrong with me. I wasn't exactly sure what was wrong, but I knew there had to be something. I tried so hard to be perfect and likable in order for people to accept me and love me. But it was very hard for me to receive love from anyone, because I "knew" they wouldn't like me once they really got to know me. So I put on a smile & pretended to be someone that I really wasn't. And I unintentionally pushed people away, too. I would only allow them to get so close before I would sabotage the relationship with a silly fight or something.

I was this way in my relationship with God, too. Even though I knew and loved Him my entire life, I spent many years thinking that I was unworthy of Him and His love. Feeling rejected and unloved by my own parents, I didn't think He could just love me for me. I didn't think I was good enough & I felt like I had to do something to earn His love. And I worked real hard at it.

I could "say my prayers & [I] knew all the right words"

I memorized scripture, went to church every time the doors were open, and I knew all the answers in Sunday school.

But I didn't feel precious to God.

Again, y'all know of my journey to freedom, so I won't bore you with all of that! But I'd like to attempt to sum up what I've learned through all of that. I have found that the key to overcoming insecurity is knowing God. I know that sounds simple yet difficult at the same time. But I have really come to see that when I am close to Him I am more secure.

He says in Jeremiah 29:12-14a:

“Call upon Me and come and pray to Me,
and I will listen to you.
You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.
I will be found by you," declares the LORD ,
"and will bring you back from captivity.”

In seeking God, I have learned how He feels about me ~ and about you, too! There are many beautiful verses in the Bible that speak of His love for us, like...

“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.”
(Jer 31:3)

and

“For His unfailing love toward those who fear Him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.”
(Ps 103:11)


He knows everything about us & loves us anyways! All of Psalm 139 is beautiful ~ I’ll just quote verse 17 for now:
“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!
They are innumerable!”

In seeking the Lord, I have found freedom and acceptance in Him. He has done so much inside of me & helped me see the insecurities for the lies that they really are. I have come to experience a joy I have never known before, as I’ve allowed Him to really set me free from all the pain and insecurity I tried to ignore for so long. I have begun to see my value through His eyes, as I have gotten to know His heart. I’ll close with one more scripture that is my prayer for you: that you may “have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love really is.”
(Eph 3:18)

Amy

6 comments:

RR Mama said...

You are an amazing woman! God is so good.

Brooke said...

i agree with RR Mama (and God). You're pretty darn special!

Laura said...

Love you Amy! Thanks so much for sharing your story. That is something that I'm in the process of learning right now and it was really encouraging to read your story. :)

Messy Mom said...

I've never heard that song before now, but it is REALLY good. I am so glad you get to pour into those mops mamas. Hannah and I were talking about how hard it is at this stage and how we wish that people would extend a helping hand (this was actually in regards to nursery, but you know, it still applies.)

becky@cup.of.joe said...

So good, Amy! I didn't know your story! You and I are cut from the same cloth. Thank you for sharing. xoxo

Jennifer @ Studio JRU said...

Thank you for sharing your heart here Amy. I wish I could here you at your MOPS meeting! :)

"He knows everything about us & loves us anyways!" Isn't that the beautiful truth?!