Tuesday, July 12, 2011

"Can't Take the Pain"

(by Third Day) Can't Take the Pain - Time



Today, I have a super cool



Her name is Brooke, and she blogs over at Living the Life of a Frugal Trophy Wife. Brooke & I have been bloggy friends for a couple of years now. She has been such an encouragement to me, and I can't wait to meet her face-to-face one day! She blogs about running, budgeting, God & her family (among other things). I love her honesty & transparency. Please be sure to drop by her blog when you have a moment!


There have been a lot of things clanging around in my head over the past few months. To understand what's going on up there, I need to introduce you to myself.



See the one with the scraggly beard and the knife? See where Jesus has to clean up the mess and reattach that dude's ear from where one of His crazy followers cut it off? Yeah that's me. (The chop-er not the chop-ee)

In my head I know the way things should go. I have everything in neat orderly columns and expect them to stay there. When things don't go the way I think they ought, I lash out. Maybe violently, throwing something across the room or hitting something (never someone I promise!). Sometimes its just with words, saying hurtful nasty things that no one deserves to hear.

Then after that initial surge of adrenaline, I run. I try to distance myself, pretend it doesn't exist. Pretend my Savior isn't getting beaten before my eyes.

After that comes the sorrow. The total and utter humiliation for what I've just done. I'm exhausted - for nothing. Things are the exact same as they would have been had I not ever flown off the handle.

Peter (Jesus ministry Peter, not the post-ascension Peter) is so me, that when I first watch Passion of the Christ I sobbed uncontrollably. Not at the beatings, at the nail being driven in, or the bloody mess that the sin of the world turned Jesus into.

I cried like a baby that moment (in the video up top) where Peter denies Jesus 3 times. After the 3rd time, Jesus looks at Peter - and Peter doesn't know what to do with himself. He's overcome with grief. (Minute 3:09-3:24 of the video)

And so was I.

What does this have to do with weight loss (a subject I'm constantly thinking of/blogging about)? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.

Here are the facts. I'm a hard core perfectionist. Following the rules helped me to lose 15 pounds. Obsession with the rules became my god. Realization of that caused me to abandon everything I know about healthy living.

Leaving me sitting here currently wearing those 15 pounds I lost at the beginning of this cycle.

I want to honor God with my thoughts and actions. I want to lose at least 10 of those pounds again. I want to respect the body that He's given me. I want to get back into my skinny jeans. I doubt He wants all those things for me, but I'm just trying to be brutally honest here.

This is my life right now. Incredibly superficial huh? Well trust me, I have "real" problems too. Ignoring them for something completely ridiculous and pointless is my M/O. Who can handle the pressure and stress of a husband who doesn't share my faith? Who can handle the worry that comes with a husband who has a blood disorder that will, most probably, one day kill him? Who can handle knowing that if he died today I'd never see him again?

I certainly can't.

So for now I choose to worry about my weight, because, as I've demonstrated in the past, that's something I can control.

Do you find yourself deflecting from one problem to another that seems more controllable? How do you seek to find comfort for your worry?

2 comments:

Brooke said...

thanks for having me Amy!

Jennifer @ Studio JRU said...

I think it is just human nature to go towards something that is more controllable. Something we can wrap our heads around. I seek comfort in prayer. At times, that is all I can do. So nice to meet you here! :)